she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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