Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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