I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
