A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Couch. On fire.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize