He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
