have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
