Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
