Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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