Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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