He uses pillows to masturbate.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
