Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
did i walk over a car last night?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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