remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize