life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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