Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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