is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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