Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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