I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
