I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
