So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize