I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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