dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
