I wish my penis had an off switch
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
