omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
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