I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
