I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
