She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
