no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
