The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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