I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I love having hate sex.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
