Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
