He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
