Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
