I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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