can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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