Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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