I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
