i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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