Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
