Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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