i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
