The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
