Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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