Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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