Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
