you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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