No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
