im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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