i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
