We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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