I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
this will be a night to untag.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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