I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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