i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize