he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
