If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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