I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
