The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
