apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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