I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
