That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
