she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Randomize
