my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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